“Quietly Seething PDA ~ In The Bedroom Hiding Away”

angry girl #6.jpg It’s the school holidays.  The calm after the storm.  Also the calm before the storm.  It’s not so much the meltdowns right now, there is the odd one of course.  But the violence is gone, for now.  I know what’s coming though.  A new term brings with it a massive increase in anxiety and an inability to deal with it at source, a retention that brews like volcanic lava bubbling away, awaiting a release at the first opportunity.  At home.  During this ‘break in the hostilities’, there are still nonetheless, signs of what we are building up to.

Hiding away in her bedroom, interaction on her own terms, at her own times.  In the moments she does emerge, I dread a conversation, because I know it won’t just be a conversation.  There is a simmering, seething, blob of awareness inside her, that she has to face up to life and expectations.  She doesn’t want to.  This means that when she converses with me, it’s not relaxed, it’s antagonistic and oppositional.

She will seek a confrontation, by making an issue out of something that’s not an issue.  Almost like she wants to gain an opportunity to let out some of the lava.  But why not punch her pillow instead.  Why not go for a jog.  Whereas before I was treading on eggshells, in fear of a massive explosion, now I am having to defend the status quo as best I can.  Maintain some form of parental authority and boundaries.

There is often a pattern.  Repetitive questioning for which no answer will suffice.  So each answer I give, generates a “But…x, y, z” as if to place obstacles to the answer I gave and if I answer the ‘but’, there is always another one and another.  Until she can try to goad a confrontation.  I have to know the answer that is required and if I don’t give it, a rant will ensue.  Or it will be simply because she was told to do something, get washed and dressed, or go up to bed.  Even on the days that she complies, it will not be without complaint and angst.

I feel like I can’t even laugh with her any more.  It’s silly stuff we used to laugh at, the bizarreness of life and peoples’ quirks mostly.  But how can you laugh with someone that has destroyed your trust in them, your trust in the world?  Someone who could hurt you and target you.  Someone whose anxiety was that great, that in their explosions they blamed you and simply didn’t care about how much they harmed you, their anxiety took precedence.

I never did get that saying…

hurt

She seems content to be in her bedroom.  Hiding away from the world.  Refusing all suggestions to contact schoolfriends to go out.  In her own safe little bubble.  So much so that leaving this nest for a short while, can generate such a fraught communication style.  So I know.  I know it’s there.  I know we are treading water until the holidays finish.  Snarky, snappy, disrespectful, rude and oppositional holidays.

It’s because, in the words of the gas pump attendant at the end of Terminator

~ “There’s a storm coming in…”

storm coming.jpg

“Pathological Pain”

land of pain.jpg  There’s the pain of seeing your children seemingly unable to behave differently, when that behaviour is intolerable and you see no escape.  Anxiety-driven, suffering, struggling to cope behaviours.  Then there is the pain of not being believed about what they are going through and when you finally are, instead, being blamed for it.  Because those same children who release it all at home, where they know they are loved, will sit inert and compliant at school where they are afraid and overwhelmed.  The pain of looking through documents about your family and seeing lie, after lie, after lie, written about you, and misrepresentations and denials about your children.

Refrigerator mother is here alive and kicking, it never went anywhere.  It’s just got replacement  labels now.  ‘Emotional harm’, ‘fabricated illness’.  Struggling PDA children blame too.  Mum is the most obvious target, because mum is the one they spend most time around and they know mum loves them, no matter what they say or do.  They are in such anxiety and their need for absolute control so great, that they lash out.  So when you’re getting it in the neck from all angles, what else is there, but pain?

You try to do what everyone wants, you try to explain to professionals what your children’s needs are, but they don’t want to hear it.  They don’t understand the autistic spectrum and expect autistic children to do everything typical children do, and to do it in the same way.  So you have to be anxious or exaggerating, or fabricating when those things are difficult and your children don’t know how to speak up for themselves.  You’re not advocating for your children, you’re speaking for them and you’re lying.  You must have mental ill-health and be projecting that onto your children.  It’s all you.  You asked for resources and you are a pain in the ass.

You try to be as flexible as possible with your PDA children, to reduce demands on them, you don’t ask for anything.  (Not even appreciation or gratitude).  But you certainly didn’t ask for blame.  Yet you get it by the shovel full.  Along with knives being brandished at you, punches rained on you, your possessions broken and endless verbal abuse.  Anything they find hard, it’s you that suffers for it.  They refuse solutions and all offers of help with self-managing their anxiety.  It’s easier just to release it onto mum.  Learning self-help techniques is a demand you see, an expectation.

Miss Yourself

Day-by-day, the abyss yawns wider.  You lose your identity more and more until you are just ‘mum’, a fixture, a possession.  A disrespected possession.  Like a battered old shoe that gets kicked out of the way.  You aren’t depressed.  You are just stuck in a hell-hole that you can’t really call life.  It’s an existence.  Barely.  It’s amazing how you in fact aren’t depressed.  Many are.  It must be the numbness that you immerse yourself in, to get through.  It’ll come out one day.  Like a torrent.

Scream it off the top of a mountain.  Like ‘the men who stare at goats‘.  It’s the only way.  ‘The woman who screams off mountains’.  Until then, I’ll be screaming inside the walls of my mind.

“Parents are the Enemy”

Wisdom Authority  Didn’t you know it?  Of course you are.  The moment you become an adult you are responsible for everything and deserving of almost nothing.  The moment you become a parent, you are viewed with suspicion, you are a potential failure, a potential abuser, bound to be far less than the perfect you are expected to be, by professionals.  Professionals, who follow deliberately worded Government directives, that have an ulterior motive (financial of course).   An experienced ex-social worker knows this:

“Charles Pragnell, a former social worker who is now an international adviser on child protection cases, believes that the Government has good reason to avoid an inquiry. “The health, education and social services have diverted children and their families into the child protection system,” he says, “blaming the parents for causing harm to their children to avoid providing them with services.

“Why do we not, in Britain, have similar legislation to the Irish Republic, where false accusations of abuse are a criminal offence? More than 85 per cent of reports of child abuse are subsequently found to have no substantive basis and have been made for largely mistaken, mischievous, malicious or monetary reasons.” (source)

I just input a search term.  “harm to parents from using government services” and guess what came up? A long list of links to information about safeguarding children.  That says it all.  Children are important, they must be safe and well-cared for.  Just think though, the second they turn eighteen they will be deemed of much less worth (their status as weaponry will have sunk to zero) – and if they are a parent, the enemy.  Children are being used to keep parents in their place.  And adults are no less important than children, a human being, is a human being.

Parent blaming is widespread.  UK law says the child comes first, whilst entirely ignoring that the child is part of a family unit and not existing standalone, not an island.  Attack the parent and you attack the child too.  Deflect the parent who is seeking help for their child and you fail the child in more ways than one.  But they don’t care, because it’s all deliberate.

There are virtually no sources of help for parents being abused by their children.  Autistic children, especially those with pathological demand avoidance, can be incredibly violent in meltdowns, which can be frequent.  But where do you turn for help when you have experienced the parent-blame attitude from professionals already?  The risks are high that they will be of the opinion that the child is behaving like that for a reason and the reason is your fault.  Especially as the claims are that special needs children are more at risk of abuse.  Although I do question how many of the research figures, were actually from falsely accused families.  It’s a claim that suits the Government’s agenda.

Yvonne Newbold, special needs parent, has written a blog post about the violence of such children.  Yvonne says:

“Sometimes, instead of helping a family, telling a trusted professional and asking for help can make an already very difficult situation far worse. Sometimes, because a professional hasn’t had any training and can’t be expected to understand the root causes or to know just how very common this behaviour is in children, they jump to the wrong conclusions and blame the parents for their child’s violence. Sometimes, there are so many misunderstandings and wrongful accusations that the children, or their brothers and sisters, are removed from their parent’s care altogether.”

With autism families being targeted so frequently for false allegations, parents are therefore usually forced to suffer in silence.  (Also handy for services as they get to avoid spending on those families.)

And if you have already drawn the ire of the LA for seeking resources for your child, if they have already been blaming you, wouldn’t they just love to find an excuse to go to town.  Another blogger explains the harm to autism parents here:

“I feel broken. As hard as it has been being a mother of the children I have, that job has been made so very much harder by the government’s systems. From the first day you reach out for help with your child, it’s like a highly judgmental never-sleeping set of eyes enter your life. They first assess whether the child’s problems are all your fault as a faulty parent…”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

My health has sunk so low that I feel twice my age.  I suffer such fatigue that I am unable to keep active and have gained weight, all I want to do is sleep.  I seem to catch every bug going and take ages to recover.  I appear to have lost a third of my hair and look so careworn and washed-out, I’d feel sorry for me if I saw me.  It’s in my mind daily, that I need to leave my family (who I love) to escape the hell and save myself, before I go entirely under.  I know there are many autism parents out there in this situation.  Just know, that you are not alone, even though you may feel incredibly so.  And to anyone thinking “what a pity party”…

Judge not, that ye be not judged ~ Matthew 7:1- 3

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